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Look, I’m not stupid. I can see the stats. I know you. I see you. You pretend you’re interested in my musings about life and love and kids and all that nonsense but really, really, you’re here for the weight loss voyeurism, no?
To be clear, I am not judging you in any way. I’m a woman who was once addicted to buying Slimming World magazine, not for the advice on Green and Red Day recipes, oh no. I parted with my cash for the before and after photos of the slimmers. God I loved those photos. I loved those stories! Almost all of the women had found themselves single once they’d lost the weight. Their ‘other halves’ (vomit) hadn’t coped too well when they’d lost 7 stone, so they cut their wives free of another 15 stone or so of dead weight, in the form of a divorce. Fascinating.
I knew a girl once who was very thin. I was also very thin. We competitively underate. Anyway, after she had a really awful time at uni she ballooned in size. She ate herself happy, which I myself am no stranger to. Anyway, during this period she met a man who she went on to marry. As far as I know they’re still together. Now here’s the thing, she lost all the weight for their wedding. She looked amazing and glowing and healthy. Her eyes were bright with vim and vigour. I was genuinely pleased for her. (By this point I’d grown as a person from my 15 year old saboteur self). She wasn’t skinny like her teenage self, but shapely and slim, and my goodness she looked confidant. She exuded positivity and high self esteem.
Now it’s NOTHING to do with me whether she stayed slim or piled the pounds back on, but I know you’re invested now, so I’m going to tell you. She put it all back on, and more. Yep, more weight. Lots more. And do you know why? Because her husband preferred her large. He was most vocal about it. Imagine putting all that effort in looking how YOU wanted to look on your wedding day and the person you’re there to declare your undying love to says he preferred you before? What a goon.
And because I know you’re wondering, no, he himself was not big. He was very skinny. I hear about her now and again through mutual friends. I know she’s been very unwell in recent years and her weight hasn’t helped with these issues. I think about her often and hope that one day she’s the size SHE wants to be. Not what some skinny insecure guy prefers.
And the moral of telling you all this? The slightly fuzzy segue is that I have been in relationships with men who wanted me to be thinner. One used to tell me I’d be perfect if only I lost a stone. He’s dead now. Another used to buy me underwear in size ‘small’ which of course I couldn’t even get one knee into. I still have those beautiful knickers with the labels attached next to my size 18 bucket pants. I guess they’re vintage now? Another boyfriend once said when drunk (for he was A Drunk) that he fancied me even though I had a fat back. Not long after, he accidentally dislocated his shoulder on a romantic mini break. Karma, huh?
None of these comments or nudges made me want to lose weight. I guess I’m one of those dicks who always does the opposite of what’s asked. It might be why I work for myself, alone, from home. If I’d have married the skinny husband (above) maybe I’d be tiny? I’d be all petulant cheekbones and jutting hips; he’d be skulking in the corner with a takeaway for four, concocting ways to force feed me sweet and sour chicken, like a foie gras intended goose.
Anyway, I’m not married to a skinny feeder man. I’m not even married. My boyfriend is very into his gym routine, his protein needs, all that jazz. He’s muscly and built. The first time we all went on holiday my little sons thought he looked like the Incredible Hulk in his swimmers. I mean, his degree’s in sports science FFS! I’m in love with a jock, what can I say. He never ever comments on my weight. He’s way too clever for that. He knows I’m unhappy being this size (BMI 30 - 31), but he doesn’t helpfully suggest ways to pick me up from my malaise via salad and protein bars. He just listens to my rantings about clothes not fitting and hating my body and that’s it. Which is perfect for me. I know the solution, but heaven help anyone who tries to push me in that direction.
So when I ordered the weight loss
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