Family WhatsApp Groups

The good, the bad and the non-existent

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I saw an old friend recently for dinner. Old as in 28 years of friendship old. Old as in we can reveal our true selves old. We see each other rarely, but it’s always a pleasure to meet up, catch up and exchange dramas.

This time, it was parental health and how the tide has been drawing in for some time from us receiving care, to at first gradually and slowly (but now with some speed), us giving some care. It’s crept up on us and whilst it’s most definitely the new norm, it’s not altogether welcome. Not because we’re heartless sods, oh no. More that it’s frightening.

It’s recognition of the inevitable; that one day we will be ‘orphans’. And scarier still that one day we will need care and perhaps our children may fulfil this role. And eventually we pondered the usually unsayable, that one day we’ll leave our babies without a mother and HOW WILL THEY COPE? It was heavy stuff over pasta and coffee, but not depressingly so, actually quite life affirming. The trudge of time, the inability to stop it, the stages we pass through as we age. Life - warts and all.

The conversation turned to family WhatsApp groups. My pal is from a large family and explained there are two groups - one with her parents in and one without. Her Mum and Dad had been surprised to learn of this other group, enquiring why it exists. Their sons and daughters gave a united response of needing to secretly discuss joint gifts, when really it’s a less jolly reason. To divvy up caring responsibilities, share concerns of parental ill health and check each other’s opinions on various treatments.

My boyfriend is part of a family WhatsApp group, oft used to agree shared table dishes and birthday plans. I’ve sometimes felt a bit sad that I haven’t been asked to join but then remember that his family are not my family. They’re really very welcoming. Ultimately though, I’m an outsider. Spouses/partners are simply not a part of their group. It’s fine honestly. (It is, really).

We don’t have a family WhatsApp group and I spent quite a lot of the school run this afternoon trying to work out why. My parents both have mobile phones with WhatsApp installed, albeit they’re not big users. I think the ‘barrier’, to resurrect a word from my old advertising days, is that there’s just not enough of us. Not enough people in different locations. My parents live together and do pretty much everything as a couple. I am an only child. So really, a group message exchange would be pointless. A simple call (always on speaker at their end) from me to one of my parents suffices.

I wrote a bit about how divisive family size is here. I tried not to make it a sad sack tale of being an only one, because, well, there are good and bad sides to all family shapes. But this WhatsApp thing has resurrected my wish for more. With the caveat that those imaginary siblings are only welcome if they’re helpful and kind and, well, perfect.

Being my own flesh and blood, they wouldn’t be. Perhaps there’s a gap in the market for sibling adoption? One can adopt a grandparent after all, why not a brother or a sister? Other people’s relatives are always a joy after all.

What about you? Do your family have a WhatsApp group? Is it fun? Or does everyone behave as they do on Christmas Day and revert to type? I’m imaging the baby of the family doesn’t read any of the messages and the oldest rallies their younger charges, directing and snapping them into shape. What am I missing out on… tell me!

Post script: I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, before my youngest son’s birthday and initiation into the mobile phone user hall of fame. And guess what? He’s started a family WhatsApp group! Turns out you can quite literally grow your own family! And true to form, eldest son is correcting youngest; middle son is AWOL; grandmother is asking what on earth is going on… it’s like a snapshot of a Christmas Day, albeit operating at breakneck speed and without gravy.