In defence of the only child bearers
And the breeders of large broods. And also the child free.
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I am drawn to any piece of writing about only children. In my youth being an only child was an oddity. Singled out in French classes to learn how to expose our sibling free status when stuck in La Rochelle. As if booking a hotel room in French might require this admission. In my class at secondary school there were two of us. Just two.
And now, some 30 years later, birth rates are lower. Being an only child is common. A discussion I read on Instagram about only children, specifically about the choice to have just one child, was disappointingly defensive. In this grid post, with thousands of comments, it was not enough for people to comment with their experience, the one that’s right for them. People felt the need to extol the virtues of their choice as better. Not better for them, but better as an a priori concept.
The message was clear; one is best; only children benefit from more time, more money, more care. They’re mature, successful, not selfish at all. Only children are the secret to a happy marriage too, don’t you know? But hang on, then the other side spoke up. Aren’t large families better? To not give your child siblings is abusive. You’re denying them a birth right, condemned to a life of narcissism, early adulthood and an inability to cope with conflict.
But then there were those who wanted us to consider that anyone who chooses to reproduce is wrong, for really we ought not to be having kids at all, what with the state of the planet. (And of course everyone was leaving aside those who’re unable to have children and yearn to, which I felt was a small ‘win’. Who has the right to comment on this subject other than those affected? Not me).
Here’s what I think. Not including ‘Acts of God’ as they’re called in insurance land, such as secondary infertility, redundancy, financial hardship, ill health, trauma, being widowed or getting divorced etc. Those of us who had a conscious choice, don’t we all just do what suits us and us only, in the offspring department? As in, I had three kids because it’s what I wanted. Having children is an inherently selfish act after all. Like every decision you make in your own life, you make it with a strong degree of putting yourself and your needs front and centre. Even in selflessness there’s a selfishness at play. Every time I put myself last, play the martyr if you will, I am actually fulfilling a selfish compulsion to be selfless; maybe adored? Perhaps perceived as a good woman? Our own needs are present in every choice, no?
We each, given the ability, do what suits us. And then in time, our kids, depending on their childhood experience and adult circumstances, do what suits them. They may have a need to procreate like billy-o as a reaction to their quiet only childhood. (Waves!) They may crave silence from their Waltons style upbringing. We do what suits us and hope our kids will fit in and just enjoy the ride. (Whispers: we hope our kids will have a better childhood than we did).
I couldn’t know that one of my sons would have really enjoyed being an only child. He wasn’t born with a plaque around his neck asking for single lodgings. So he just fits in as best he can. And maybe he won’t have children at all. Or just the one. Though he says he wants three, which of course makes me feel like I’ve done something right. It can’t be so bad being one of three, right? Not if you hope to recreate it one day.
And as for not having children at all through choice. There seems to be a special vitriol reserved for those without kids. Which I just can’t understand. I have an inkling it’s part of that desire to pull everyone else down to your own level of misery. The simple truth is that having children isn’t some picnic. There are many times it’s a regretful choice. It involves constraint in most areas; location, finances, fitness, career, socialising, housing... ‘freedom’ if you will. Recently when telling people we’d be getting a puppy I was met with comments of how restrictive a dog would be. Ha! I have three wonderful kids with a man who
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